I don't know what to write about

...but I will since it makes me feel better.

Lately I've been trying to make my life a lot more productive since it takes my mind off of certain things and actually makes me feel good. I've been reading more, seeing more films, meeting new people and going to open casting calls for short films and small productions. It took quite the cataclysmic event in my life to actually get up and do something. I've always dreamed about being an actor of some sort, but now I'm making it a goal for me. Because dreams are only dreams if you don't do shit about it. So now, it's a goal haha.

Which leads me to something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

"What the fuck am I going to do with my life?"

Honestly.

I've realized, just as my degree in Graphic Design is almost coming to an end, that I don't really want to be a graphic designer. The only reason I chose to do the damned uni course was because I thought it seemed like the most logical thing to go for at that point in my life. And now I've aspirations in film and theatre (haha, and to think I wanted to become an English teacher back in high school). Which leads me to think: "Will I even give a fuck about acting in a couple years time? Or will it just turn into a monotonous chore that graphic design has become for me?". It makes me wonder if I will just become a drifter, the dude that just jumps from one thing to another, depending on what seems most "awesome" at the time?

I guess I shouldn't think about these things and just go for whatever the fuck I want to at the time.

Meh, I don't know.

i miss you

You've managed to cling onto my mind and I can't seem to shake you. It's been almost 4 months since we've separated and I still think about you everyday. Maybe not as much and not in the ways that I used to, but I still do.

Every morning without fail I wake up and I see you in my mind. You're lying next to me, smiling at me, reminding me of different times. Every morning without fail I stay in bed, letting the time pass, all the while holding on to this memory of you.

The thing is...

I don't want to think about you.

I don't want you to know that I think about you.

I don't want you to know that you've affected me in anyway.

That you've made me a better person and a worse one at the same time.

I don't want you to know that you made me happy.

Or that I cried so much because of you.

I don't want you to know that I loved you.

And that I blame myself for everything.

That I hate myself.

and that I miss you.

I'm moving on and I know I'll find someone better.

But for now, stay the fuck out of my mind you fucking bitch.